i havent updated in forever...but whatever. i wanted to post pictures :)

so here are a few of my favorite pics from Winter Break....

I started off Winter Break right by going to Disney World with Kellie! we went to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party, all of the parks, and visited the hotels.

Me and Kellie at the Grand Floridian with the Gingerbread house!


Me and Kellie in front of the castle...

i would just like to state that i will be in the happiest place on earth (DISNEY WORLD!) with Kellie in like nine hours.
its okay to be jealous, i would be....

and after disney tomorrow & friday, i will be heading home to the dirty 'burg & Tampa and ill be home for a whole month!! WOOOOO!!
:)


oh, and another semester down! three more to go! whoo!

Rapping with Roy

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THANK YOU GOD!
YOU MADE MY DAY!
granted there may be a hurricane rolling through south florida during the one holiday its okay to dress like a slut and drink too much tequila, but nonetheless, RAPPIN WITH ROY FTW!

MY FATHER GETS TO GO TO OTTAWA THIS WEEK FOR BUSINESS!!!!!!

life is cruel and unfair.
I WANT TO GO TO CANADA!!!!!!
screw school.


OH AND FUCK THE NOLES!!!
GO CANES! :)

for the record, i do really stupid things.
i blurt out a lot of things without thinking first.
i put too much of my heart into everything i do.
i whole heartedly believe that everything happens for a reason;
and i am constantly waiting to find out why half of the things in my life happen.
i assume a lot of things, and it never ceases to fail me...
i will always make the wrong assumption.
i get caught up in the moment,
and never really think about how what i'm doing will affect me in a hour, day, month, or the next year.
i was listening to the spill canvas's new cd (no, really i'm fine) and not only does the entire CD give me chills, but one line from "Appreciation and the Bomb" just fit...
"if there's one thing i've learned, it's that we never feel the heat until we get burned."
and i am so learning that right now.....
i felt absolutely fine....in fact, i was feeling pretty amazing.
that feeling died as soon as i realized that everything wasn't as it seemed.
and that timing and life continually fucks me over.
i overanalyze everything all the time.
i think way too much. period.

i basically set myself up to get hurt.
i knew it was going to happen.
its like in the jimmy eat world song, "night drive"
"it'd be easy if you get mad,
but three fingers point back to you."

i am so sick of listening to music and having it fit my life perfectly.
because it's creeping me out.

i need something new in my life right now.
everything seems so boring.

i want to forget everything so bad.
i want to get out of this horrible funk that i'm in.
i want to figure out why i am in this horrible state of mind.
i want to be able to breathe again.

i have never felt so alone in my entire life.
and i continue to push people away.
because that's obviously the best solution to my problem.

i told myself i wasn't going have feelings again.
but i did.
and for the record, it broke my heart.
and here i am, nearly two months later, and i can't forget anything.
if only i could be as okay as you are.
or if i could just ignore the fact that i'm supposed to have feelings, like so many other people.



with everything else in life, i know this will pass, and until then i have to keep remembering to breathe.
i just wish that it wasn't so hard to just breathe.

This weekend was interesting. I went home [to St. Pete] for the Lightning's opening night and Flight Camp, an overnight put on by the organization I volunteer/work for.  

The Lightning game was definitely one of the few good things that came from this weekend.  My sisters, Jess + Chel, & I headed over to Kyle's after driving around in a few circles. Haha, but we finally made it the Forum.  Just about everyone was at the game....blah, I really don't like seeing people. Haha. The Lightning made me insanely nervous in the first part of the game...but thankfully they picked up their play, and WON THE GAME!!!!! So maybe I won't be a curse this year like last season. :) Chris Gratton got in a fight at the end of the game, which was OH-SO-SMART since his cornea is scratched or whatever. Haha, and my sisters and I were a huge fan of the Nick & Andre sandwhich. Ahh, I'm so glad I got to go to the game though, and that I had fun. If the game sucked, I probably would never return home...haha, kidding.

Camp...I'd rather not discuss. There was SO MUCH drama involved and for no good reason really. And I truly had nothing to do with it, but small-minded, two-faced people would rather not take the high road when it comes to certain things. Oh, well. I did what I was supposed to do, and tried my hardest not to let stupid shit bother me. It's sad how pathetic and immature people can be.
 I did have a BLAST with my kids + brother and sister! So much fun. It was so good to see Stephen. :-)

I wish this would just go back to normal or just go away.  I wish I could not care. I wish you could care a little bit. 
I need a really good distraction...school isnt cutting it anymore. :\ 
And I'm too poor to owe Stephen $75 every time we have our Dr. Phil sessions about how its not my fault and how its their loss. Hahaha, oh, brother =)

soooo kellie and i are going to DISNEY! right after exams are done with (december 12-14) and we're going to go to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party!!! i am sosososoSO excited for that. it should be a blast. and i'm pretty sure i'll end up going to the Very Merry Christmas Party again after that with my favorite siblings in the entire world. =]
talking about disney makes me happy. i wish i could just ride rides all day and live in the castle.

i am never going to get anything done...i am WAAAAAAAAAY too excited about coming home on THURSDAY for the Lightning's opening night against the NJ Devils (booooo) [i'm sitting in Section 305, row M sooooo if you're going to the game on Thursday night, lemme know!], seeing everyone at home<3, and then Flight Camp with "my kids." It should be a busy, amazing (and interesting) weekend.
i have so much to do too.

oh, and this rain in miami....it seriously needs to end. it's been raining almost every day for like a week now, and the past two or three days have been HORRIBLE. blah, i miss the sunshine.

i have felt so unbelievably suffocated lately.
and then there will be mornings, like today, where i will wake up and i feel fine.
it makes no sense to me. i make no sense anymore.

i blame it on the city of miami. i cannot believe how incredibly rude, selfish, ignorant, STUPID, etc. some people can be. you honestly can think its really bad wherever you are, but if you come to miami, you will learn that its that much worse.
it has turned me into this bitter, sarcastic, insanely pessimistic individual (not like i wasnt a little bit of all of these things before...haha). if it wasnt for my roommates (and this gorgeous house we're renting), friends, classes, work, and a few other things, i would've transferred awhile ago.
i've only been down here for six weeks, and i'm already ready to scratch my eyes out and escape to st.pete/tampa for just a weekend. thank god that just happens to be next weekend. :)
i had a lovely day & evening with Jess and Kellie.....we went to Bayside for a little bit, then hit up Old Navy (a little too hard, actually), and then had a great dinner at P.F.Chang's. it's nice to surround myself with people who have the same views on life as me.
i've been feeling really...like REALLY lonely lately. no matter what way i look at a situation in my life, i've lost a best friend, and theres a good chance that things wont ever be the same. i felt like my weeks were only getting worse and no one was getting me. today/tonight made me feel a lot better. :)

i guess i cant completely blame my loneliness & bitterness on the city of miami.
i put way too much of my heart into everything and 99.9% of the time, it only comes back to slap me in the face. at least this time, there is a whole lot more laughing than there is crying. i shouldn't ever expect things to be different. the one time that i wont expect it, it will just happen.

one day - the .1% of time - someone is going to show me this was all worth it.
and i will be able to laugh even more.
and i love to laugh.

blah.
what am i doing?
im having the hardest time with every aspect of my life
....minus school.
go figure.
im always making the same mistake over and over again.
i swore that i'd never do it again
....and of course, i did.
and im stupid enough to think that it might have actually worked out to my benefit this time.
i need a reality check.
and maybe a swift kick to the head.